I chipped my front tooth on a ham sandwich. Seriously.

This is the crazy shit that happens to me. I really can’t make this up.

Since the baby arrived, my life has been a little different… more chaotic. Let’s just say, she’s added a lot of spice to my daily activities. For example, here is a snippet of an email exchange between my husband and I from just the other day- a totally different sandwich incident. Keep in mind that my baby doesn’t crawl yet. She merely scoots and rolls to her destinations. In other words, she moves slower than molasses going uphill in January. Or so I thought.

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Hampster with a ‘P’ is what we call each other when one of us is being “uncleanly”. For instance, when one of us finds delight in swimming in kitty barf.

Anyway, I now value simplicity which means I value sandwiches! They’re great. I can make them one-handed while skillfully wrangling a squirmy baby in the other. Easy as pie. The day I chipped my tooth was like any other except for this day, my kid was particularly fussy. Her whining was really working me over so I had to get the sandwich show on the road. Stat.

I have this thing called misophonia and while I won’t get into that here, all I can say is that when I hear the sounds of someone chewing food with their mouth open, normal-me disappears and a demon possesses my body. My brain involuntarily and instantaneously summons the rage of a thousand rabid dogs and I. flip. out. Because of this, I always chew with my mouth closed no matter what. Even when I’m in a hurry. This was one of those times.

My bite has been way off lately which has affected how I eat (duh). Add that to the mix and, well, THIS happened:

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It was that shitty white bread that turns to dough the instant it’s smashed together with mayo and processed American cheese. It got stuck to the roof of my mouth and like a dog with peanut butter, I couldn’t get it to unstick. I remember hearing my teeth scrape and thinking, “woah, that didn’t sound too good…” but I forgot about it and kept eating. It wasn’t until later that evening when I was getting ready for bed that I noticed it.

The chip is small so whatever. I guess I’ll just have ’em shave it down once I’m finished. I’d be pissed if it weren’t so dang funny.

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